The first half of my year was dominated by the question 'What the heck am I doing with my life next year?' I knew from the start of 2014 that my year was going to be full of ups and downs and twists and turns and capital "D" Decisions that had to be made. I was always told that senior year would be the best of my life, but everyone failed to mention the question of "what next" that would stalk me and jump out from behind bushes on late-night walks home and keep me awake until all hours of the night anxiety-spiraling. I tried to tell myself not to worry, and to seem unaffected by my lack of future but all of my fears and anxiety just built up and culminated in a panic attack in a Wal-mart parking lot where I snapped and called Nidhi and basically freaked out. We mapped out our lives together if I didn't get into anywhere and I finally could kind of breathe easy again. Yes, I was still worried about my future, but at least I wasn't terrified of what would happen if I didn't have anything lined up. Of course, less than a week later I received my letter of acceptance into Fulbright Korea. Life is funny like that, right? Anyways, I still cried for two hours straight after reading my email. Partially out of excitement, but also mostly just out of relief. I didn't have to worry- I had something to do after college. I would hit the ground running as a graduate doing something I was passionate about, which led me to my second big question of the year: "What the heck did I get myself into?"
I mean, obviously I didn't send myself to Korea believing that everything would be ring pops and teen bop and that my year would pass by in a movie-montage of happiness and lighthearted laughter. I'm not stupid. I knew that sending myself to a country (where I don't know the language) to teach (when I only have a TESOL certificate) wasn't going to be a cakewalk. That being said, I perhaps underestimated how utterly isolated and frustrated and anxious that I would feel sometimes. The first few weeks that I was in Ochang, I kind of lived in a state of constant anxiety. I didn't know anyone and I was constantly worried that my classes would bomb and that I would have no idea what to do when that happened. It was kind of like being thrown in a pool without knowing how to swim and hoping that flailing around enough would keep me afloat. Obviously I got past that feeling in time, but it still creeps back up on me when my students start making comments under their breath in Korean in class. Not knowing (enough) Korean is an incredibly isolating experience. Being the only person in the room who isn't able to participate in a joke or properly sympathize when I know that people are upset makes me feel kind of helpless. It's frustrating when I spend hours of my free time studying, but I'm still not able to produce enough language to communicate with a two year old. (and family at home- don't be fooled! Korean is more or less modified Chinese. It may have an alphabet, but it's nothing like learning French or Spanish- it's 1000x harder). It's even worse not being able to communicate with my coworkers when I know that they're incredibly nice. They always make a huge effort to be kind and include me and I hate that I'm not able to say much more than a mere "감사합니다" or "고마워요" (thank you) when thank yous can only say so much. This more or less leads me to the final question that has defined this year, which is: "am I good enough?"
One of the tenants of Fulbright is and has always been "don't compare." A statement this vague has the power to encompass almost everything, but I find it most pertinent when considering (and trying so hard not to compare with) the ETAs before me and the things I see my fellow ETAs accomplishing in their free time. Am I doing enough outside of school? Are my lessons compelling enough? Am I doing a good job of reaching out to my students outside of class? Do I contribute enough to my school? Does everyone think less of me because I can't speak Korean? I can very easily drive myself crazy with my shortcomings. It's not like I'm not a confident person- I'm very comfortable with the person I am and I have no problem going out into the world and accomplishing the things I need to. That being said, it would be a complete lie if I said that there isn't a little lining of doubt present in every lesson and in every interaction in Korean that I have. I think that there's something to be said for wanting to constantly improve and to be aware of your shortcomings, but I just want to be in a place where I'm comfortable with speaking Korean and with my teaching. I just want to be good enough and be confident in knowing that I am.
So 2015, although I'm sure that I will end you with just as many questions as I started with, I'm hoping that somewhere in the next 365 days you bring me some answers. If 2014 was the year of embarking on this journey then I hope that 2015 is the year of smooth sailing.
Happy New Year to all of my friends and family! I love you all!
새해 복 많이 받으세요! 사랑해요!